Stephani Monologues: Getting a Check Up


My name is Stephani, and like any 23 year old woman, I need to take care of myself if I want to live long. I recently had a checkup at my doctor’s office, and we are going to re-live that moment in order to see the do’s and don’ts of a checkup.

Time: 9:02 AM

Place: My house


* I am getting ready to go see the doctor. He is really cute, so I need to make sure I am wearing my sophisticated skank wear. This includes Daisy Duke shorts, a low cut top, and 6 inch heels. My friend Tara will drive me to the clinic.

Tara: Come on Stephani, you could look like an easy whore and he won’t be interested in you, he only likes smart women!

Stephani: I am smart you lowlife cunt! Now drive me to the hospital, bitch!

Time: 9:10 AM

Place: Tara’s car


*I am getting nervous for my appointment. I hope they can’t tell I did cocaine last night and have unprotected sex.

T: Stephani, what’s wrong?

S: Oh nothing, I just hope they don’t find anything wrong with me.

T: Of course they will, your vagina has changed color!

S: Don’t say that! It’s just that time of the month!

T: Whatever, all I know is that mine doesn’t turn green!

Time: 9:30 AM

Place: The clinic


* I am checking in with the head nurse. Always provide all of the information they ask and be as helpful as possible to make the wait as painless as possible.

Nurse: Okay, I will just have you fill out this paperwork.

Stephani: Excuse me, bitch, what the hell do you think your job is, to make everyone else fill out the paper? Are you too busy or something? I thought an educated woman like yourself would be able to handle a little work, or are you just lazy?

N: Look, it is all personal information I need you to answer, so unless you want the other people in the waiting room to hear this, I suggest you fill it out yourself.

S: No, I don’t care what they know, lets do this thing!

N: Fine, please let me know your date of birth.

S: October 31, 1991.

N: Okay, and what is the reason for your visit today?

S: *crying* I know I fucked up, didn’t I? My vagina is green! GREEN! I am such a whore and a failure! Why can’t I be like you? You are so successful and gorgeous, and I am just a used up slut with an infected labia! Is your labia green? Please tell me that is normal!

N: Miss, please sit down and fill out the rest of your paperwork, and take my advice and keep it confidential, you are creating a scene.

* Remember to stay classy in the waiting room, if people can sense your anxiety, they will likely be able to guess that something is wrong with your vagina, and we don’t want people to know that, do we?

Time: 9:35 AM

Place: Waiting room


S: Ugh, I have been waiting for fucking forever, when is that doctor going to get here?

N: Miss, you have only been waiting 5 minutes, and it is going to take a lot longer than that. Please keep quiet and read a magazine!

Time: 9:36 AM

Place: Waiting room

S: Ugh, I feel like I am taking crazy pills, I feel my hair growing, this is taking forever! I need to see the doctor quick!

N: If I get you in now, will you please stop disrupting the waiting room.

S: You know it, bitch!

*If you stay in good behaviour and have a serious condition, they may just let you go in first!

Time: 9:40 AM

Place: The doctor’s office


Doctor: Hello again Stephani, how are you doing?

Stephani: Great Dr. Sexy, I never thought you would have asked!

D: Haha, well that is not my name, but it is great compliment. So it says here you are having problems with your vagina, can you tell me a little more about that?

S: *crying* You are never going to marry me now, are you? You need a pure and virgin woman to be your wife. You are so perfect, of course you only deserve the best, and I am a disgusting train wreck who loves a good gang bang every Friday night! Well guess what, I am not your girlfriend, so you can stop judging me! I have cut off the chains, you don’t own me anymore! Sorry!!!

D: Umm, what!?

*Always provide the back story to your condition, this will help the Doctor with his diagnosis.

D: Well Stephani, I think you have contracted an STD from one of your gang bangs, are you really surprised at that?

S: *crying* What happened to us? I thought you loved me, but you never did, did you? I should have listened to my mother when she told me you were bad news, but guess what, she is dead!

D: Stephani, I am writing you a prescription for some antibiotics, make sure you use the entire bottle. I would also recommend that you attend a safe sex counselling session.

S: Counselling? What, now you think I am insane?

D: No of course not, it is just a session to provide you with information about safe sex.

S: *pulls out gun**crying* I am not crazy, and I don’t appreciate you thinking that of me. I have my own diagnosis for you, and I am pretty sure you aren’t going to like it! *bang*

*Well, I think I need to find a doctor more suited to my lifestyle, maybe a woman would be best.

Remember girls, you need to keep up with your checkups to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and to keep having sexy encounters with several strangers at once!




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