My name is Stephani, and like many 23 year old women, I love to enjoy the carefree experiences after enjoying a night of alcohol and slutty remixes by a DJ named Dumpster Pumps! However, many bad things can come out of these moments, such as a hangover, unexplained bruises, or pregnancy. Today’s question comes from Ladasha and is related to her two month hiatus of responsibility.
“Dear Stephani, about a year ago I had sex with over 20 guys within the span of a month. I got pregnant, and now have a beautiful baby boy, but I don’t know who the daddy is. I have called all of them asking them if they are the daddy, and none of them want to take responsibility. How do I prove who the father is?”
Honey, let me tell you, you are a Maury episode just waiting to happen, but it’s real hard to get on his show these days ever since “16 and Pregnant” began airing. I will give you 5 ways to easily find out who the father is, or at the very least narrow down your options.
1) Compare the skin tones of your child to the father
Ladasha, I am going to safely assume that you are a women of color. Look at the skin on your baby, what color is he? If he is a similar tone to you, then perhaps the daddy was a similar color as well. If your baby is mulatto, then maybe the daddy is white, if the baby is cinnamon, maybe the father was Indian. I can come up with more hilarious and racist color names, but I have a feeling you already get the point. Based on skin tone you can see which men would be and wouldn’t be the father. Also the nose, many women on Maury seem to think the baby inherits the same nose as the father.
2) Get a DNA sample the naughty way
Using one of your best friends, have her sleep with the exact same men as you. However, you need her to keep the used condoms, and label and color code them so you know exactly who they belong too. Using the man butter as evidence, take it to a genetics lab to do testing, and find out who the father is. Once you know who the father is, kill your best friend for cheating with your man, that dirty slut was always trying to ruin your family.
3) Use a dog
Dogs are the most majestic animals known to man kind. They can do amazing things, from as small as fetching a ball, to as grand as finding drugs hidden in a baggy inside an anus. If you can, get access to a drug sniffing dog and use it to smell your son. Then have to dog locate a father with a similar pheromone signature. Either that or the dog will run to the nearest man with cocaine on him and rip his balls off. Regardless, it is one less man to get another innocent girl pregnant, or a slutty girl like you pregnant.
4) Blame someone else
You need to have sex with another random guy as soon as possible. It is best if this man works in a glue factory and has an IQ less than 80. Yes, I am asking you to reach for the stars here, but you have limited options right now. Once you sleep with him, wait 9 months before you introduce him to your son. Your son will already be a year old, but if you had sex with a complete idiot, you can convince him that all babies are born large, and that your vagina is ground zero. You can now make him pay the child support, and can forget about the real daddy.
5) Group torture
You need to stop fucking around, Ladasha, your sons future depends on it you slutty lazy bitch! First you need to tell all the guys you slept with that you found out they weren’t the father, and you want to meet them for coffee. If you tell them they could be the daddy, they will avoid you like Oprah avoids the treadmill. Gather them all into a room, leave the room, and then set off the chloroform bomb you had prepared there. Wait for the smoke to clear, then enter the room and tie them all up on chairs. Once the men are conscious again, tell them they are about to play the game of a lifetime. Emphasize life so that they understand if they lose, they die. It’s just like the Hunger Games, but whoever wins must pay child support and listen to you bitch, so it’s just like losing. Start killing off the men you know aren’t the father, again judging by physical appearance. By the time you have it down to the bottom four, all of the men will be begging to accept them as the father. Pick the hottest and richest one. Congratulations, you found the father. Dispose of the other three men however you wish, but remember you can’t have any witnesses, or you might lose your precious baby to child services or the police.
Well Ladasha, I hope that helps, and I hope you can keep those thighs shut, but I know how hard that is considering their size.
And remember girls, if you need to find out who the father is, it is probably easier to go on Maury or a local judge to find out than committing mass murder.