My name is Stephani, and like any 23 year old woman, I love to party hard. However, doing drugs is very harmful, and according to my Doctor could kill me because of all the anti-psychotic medication I am on. Today I received a question from a mother related to her daughters drug use.
“Dear Stephani, my daughter is about to enter grade 11, and I am worried she will start using drugs again. She stopped over the summer and promised she would quit, but I am worried that she will be pressured by her classmates. How can I make sure she isn’t doing drugs?”
Honey, let me tell you, your daughter sounds like Ke$ha, so unless she quits drugs now she will end up rich with a crappy singing contract. In order to spare her future opportunities, I will give you 5 tips and tricks to verify that your daughter has quit drugs so that she stays on the right track.
1) Allow her to host parties at your house
Teenagers do drugs for one reason, to rebel against parents. Most parents are boring and impose stupid rules like “go to bed early,” “don’t date that guy, he is bad,” and “douche your vagina if you don’t want an infection.” If you allow her and her friends to party in your house, they will have less of a reason to rebel, and you can supervise their actions by hiding behind the couch in the room they are partying in.
2) Give her supportive attention
Do not be the mom that plays 20 questions, wanting to know everything, because then your daughter will be annoyed having to answer to you all the time. However, if she approaches you with a concern, or wants to do something with you, then you need to do it. If she does invite you to something though, don’t be the mom that shouts up and down in the audience screaming for attention from her. Remember, she is the attention whore, and you are just the whore.
3) Get to know her friends
You need to find out who her friends are, and the kind of human beings that they pretend to be. Don’t fall for the too cool for school guy who really just gets drugs behind the school gym from the science teacher, or the beach blonde bimbo who will give any guy a blowie for a hit of crystal meth. You can’t tell her who not to hang out with, but if you know who she is hanging out with you can get a sense of the kind of person she is.
4) Have her drug tested daily
Lets be honest, teenage girls are the biggest cunts known to mankind, and should never ever on any circumstance be trusted. You need to be intrusive and demand a drug test every day. If she complains that you are being crazy or are destroying her childhood, tell her to “grow the fuck up and pee in that cup!” You raised her, so you know exactly how bad of a job you did at that.
5) Kill all of the drug dealers in your town
Melanie, your daughter can’t do drugs if there aren’t any to be had. On a Friday night at around 1 AM, you need to cruise the streets in your minivan looking for any suspicious activity in back alleys or around bars and brothels. If you see anyone wearing a hoodie and sunglasses, he is a drug dealer. Approach him and say you are looking for the green stuff. If he gives it to you, great. If he denies it, he is lying. Either way, he needs to be killed. Stab him with a knife and leave him in a dumpster. Do not leave the knife behind or that will be exhibit A of your trial.
Well Melanie, I hope that I have helped you out, and tell your daughter I am wishing the best for her skanky ass.
Remember girls, if you have a drug addiction, you are probably being pimped out by your drug dealer, and you need to negotiate a raise.