My name is Stephani, and like any 23 year old woman, I have had to work with several bosses. I have had some wonderful bosses, and some horrible bosses. What I have learned is that what makes a boss great is how he interacts with his employees. Today, I have received a question from Gloria regarding the relationship between her boss and a coworker.
“Dear Stephani, I have had some dark and intrusive thoughts as of late regarding my boss (Jim) and coworker (Jane). Whenever Jim approaches us, he always seems somewhat flirty to Jane, and yet ignores me altogether. I have even heard Jane talking on the phone to one of her friends about how thoughtful and kind Jim is. I guess the main clue I saw was Jim telling Jane to “finish my report” while he was rubbing his crotch. Are they having a personal affair?”
Honey, let me tell you, Jane is working hard to get that raise that you should be working for too. There is nothing bad about sleeping with a man to make it in the world, trust me. Of course, if you caught them in the act, I am sure you could use the blackmail to get that promotion you sorely deserve. I will give you five ways to catch Jim and Jane in the act!
1) Hide in the office while they work alone
If pornography has taught society anything, it is that when two people are alone in a work setting, someones ass is going to get torn up. They will likely be having personal relations with each other while at work, so as not to let their significant others know what is going on.
2) Follow them on their lunch breaks
If Jim is taking Jane out for lunch, follow them. A boss is too cheap to pay for their employees meal, unless the employee earns it, wink! If they have a beef dip for lunch, and then a blowy for dessert, you have all the evidence you need!
3) Look into company credit card statements
If Jim and Jane go on business trips, and insist on using one hotel room to “save the company money,” you know they are having sex at the company’s expense. Search high and low through the company’s credit card statements to find that one weekend in Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in credit card statements!
4) Join in
If porn has taught us another thing, it is that if someone catches two people having sex, that third person will automatically give fellatio, no questions asked! Gloria, that could be you, as long as you aren’t homely and unkempt! Although that might be the reason why he is fucking Jane and not you!
5) Interrogate Jane
One night, when everyone has left the office except you and Jane, tell her you need help in the janitors closet. When she goes in, knock her unconscious and tie her to a chair. When she wakes up, interrogate her. Tell her you know everything (even though you don’t) and it’s time for her to fess up. If she does not cooperate, put small cuts on her legs and squeeze lemon juice into the wound, or hold a plastic bag over her head, only letting her breathe every so often. If she still denies everything, move on to electric shock. If she dies in the process, congratulations, you are now the only person being considered for the promotion, and it will automatically go to you!
Well Gloria, I hope that I have answered your question and have given you the confidence to destroy the sacred relationship between Jim and Jane and use it to your economic advantage!
Remember girls, if your boss wants to have sex with you, do it! It will be the most rewarding experience of your life, just ask Jane!